Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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