You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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