Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
