i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
