Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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