you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
