He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
