uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I puked a lego.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
