In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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