sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
