Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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