i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
