So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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