I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
