I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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