i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I cockslap morals
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
