Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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