YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Randomize
