By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer