I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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