I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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