Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
