can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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