you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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