If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
