it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
