I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
