she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
