Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
More tranny stories later!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
