I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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