I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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