"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
