you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
