you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
