So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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