and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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