It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
