I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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