I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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