I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
