he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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