My room smells like vodka and shame
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
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an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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