I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
