I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
