What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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