Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
