I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
