eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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