the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
