Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The uberlube is also flammable
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
