It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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