Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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